Thursday, January 8, 2015

At peace with myself

I am the type of person who thinks a lot. I can go deep into my thoughts even when im surrounded by a crowd of people. Sometimes my thoughts travel back in time and for a few moments I am consumed by my past, wrong decisions, mistakes I made mostly relationship wise.

I love easily and completely. Before I got married I tried hard to turn into a jaded, bitter, angry woman. I tried to put up walls to protect my heart from further disappointment, from falling for the ‘wrong guy’. Eventually the walls I put up blocked out the one who loves me most. God.  I am thankful that with time those walls came crumbling down, and eventually I was able to love and trust again.

At this point in my life I am no longer afraid to think about my past, yes I gave my heart to the wrong people time and time again and I have the scars to prove it. However they no longer cause me shame. I wear them with pride, they serve as a reminder of the lessons I learned and a celebration of how far I have come and how much I have grown.

Finally, I am at peace with myself, I love and I am loved. Deeply. I look forward to each day with an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy. I am blessed.

Isaiah 43:19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

My little Warrior

I knew you were a fighter from the very moment I met you,
The doctor said you weren't going to survive,
But you proved him wrong,
Every week, every test, every scan showed you were getting stronger
And then one day, you were gone.
It felt like a movie, this was happening to someone else
 It seemed like everything around me had stopped,
The dreaded flat line was starting at me on the screen.
My little warrior, I prayed for you
I cried for you, and even though
I may never hold you in my arms,
I will forever hold you in my heart.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014


Let’s talk a walk down memory lane; it’s good to do that once in a while yeah?

First love
Oh yes, I see the smile on your face when you think about that time
The initial attraction, the wondering if they would ever notice you.
And then, they DO! And your whole world is turned upside down

The sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder,
The air seems permanently scented, by an endless field of flowers
They want to know your name, even better if they already do *swoon*

They ask for your number, the conversations begin
Excitement every time the phone rings
The back and forth emails
The voice on the other end of the phone soothing,
 talking to you until you fall asleep.

Every morning you wake up with a goofy smile on your face
Looking forward to the day ahead, wondering what surprises
Lie around the bend.


Look how far you have fallen from your first love! Turn back to me again and work as you did at first
Revelation 2:5

Thursday, August 14, 2014


Today I Cry, I weep
A sudden darkness has taken over my heart
Its shadow casting a cold shiver over my skin
It seem like everything around me continues as it was
While I remain rooted to the spot.
I hear voices,I hear laughter ,I hear questions
On mundane topics that mean nothing
And It makes me want to shout and scream
Don’t you know? Don’t you care?
Don’t you see I had a gift ripped away from me?

The sadness passes and life goes on
And once again im able to continue
Acting in this play of life.
Only God hears, only God sees
And chases the darkness within.

Jeremiah 33 New International Version (NIV)
Promise of Restoration
33 While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the word of the Lord came to him a second time: “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name:‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Weddings made in Heaven: Our journey of faith

This post is long overdue; I realized recently that not sharing our story was denying those around us the chance to see/hear for themselves the wonderful work that God can do.
I said I do to my wonderful husband on April 19th 2013; it was a joyous day for the both of us not just because we were finally husband and wife, but also because getting to the altar was no mean feat.
I remember before I agreed to date George I had resolved that I was done with men, I was jaded from failed relationships. I was ready to focus on building my career, making the money buying the house the car and then adopting a child who would be the focus of my whole life, a little companion to shower my love upon. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t In my future to get married, that maybe he had created me to me single and celibate. I Imagine as I continued to utter these words to those close to me ,God must have laughed out loud together with the angels thinking, “Oh my child you have no idea what’s coming around the corner”.
So anyway fast forward to 2010 and I met George we were introduced by a mutual pal (thanks Njeri Ngige soon to be Olang) and we became fast friends. There was no plan to take it further at least not for me, when he began to show interest I continually told him I wasn’t ready  that I was happy just being friends. In retrospect I am glad I did because I now know how important it is to enjoy being single! Life was good. The year ended and come 2011 ,something had changed  I couldn’t say no anymore, there was an awakening of feelings that I couldn’t fight anymore and so I pushed aside all my fears ,all my doubts and I said yes.
The faith journey began as I fast forward to 2012 and this man proposed in August 2012, how you ask? By sitting down with both my parents and asking for my hand. This was a huge milestone for me, because I had secretly always longed for a man who would be able to face my father and ask for my hand. Any man can give you a ring but one who asked for my hand from that showed bravery and commitment and warrior tendencies!  The warrior princess in me was ecstatic I had finally met my warrior prince who was ready to slay the dragon and rescue me from my self-induced imprisonment and ride of with me on on...wait...sorry but I digress..
So there we were, he was asking for my hand having just recently lost his job, with no prospects of permanent employment at the time and saying that we were to wed in December 2012. Yes the story of faith had begun.
After that meeting things progressed rapidly, we talked to both sides of the family and realized that the folly of youth had struck us both; this happens sometimes where our words run away before our minds. We quickly realized that December 2012, four months away was not practical or possible and we both agreed to push it forward to April 2013.

And so the planning began, I had the wedding all planned out in my mind. I wanted a ball wedding, in a hotel ballroom where we would say our vows, and eat and dance the whole night away. He was game being the Prince that he is, he was willing to make it happen; that was until we began to drive around Nairobi and received the astronomical catering quotes from Hotels within the city. With our joint earnings or lack thereof there was no way possible we could raise those amounts and still have some left over after the wedding Day.
God in his wisdom was teaching us to trim our okay MY elaborate fantasies and work towards planning for our marriage and not just the wedding day. This was throughout the month of December and January. We were fasting and praying for God to open up doors for this wedding day to happen.
And So January 2013 was here, still no venue, no payments to suppliers made. Nothing had been done yet. But life had to go on; we still believed that breakthrough would happen.
We attended our friend’s wedding on January 1st and our first miracle happened. The venue was in Karen, the owner a friend of George from his former church. After the wedding reception they happened to chat for a while and in those few minutes of conversation, he offered the venue, his home and compound to us, to use for our wedding, for FREE! As we drove home I remember thinking this is unbelievable, things like this don’t happen in real life , like WHAT?? For FREE! ?
So wedding venue, check.
Second on the list was the dress, I wasn’t your typical bride, I didn’t want to visit all the bridal shops in the city to try on 50 dresses just to choose one. On referral I used an online shop, went on the internet chose the dress that was on sale and had it delivered to Nairobi.
Wedding dress, check.
In the meantime George had gotten a permanent job and was given an opportunity to do some voice overs, what he was paid for those voiceovers was able to pay rent for the house +two months deposit, plus deposit for my dress , AND to buy an engagement ring ,how he placed it on my finger is a story for another day !
House to live in, check.
We continued to attend weddings as the months went by and I’m thankful for that because we were both exposed to outside of the box weddings. Tina and Eugene Banja’s wedding was one of those, their DIY décor got me thinking that flowers are over rated and over priced. I went online and decide and got the idea to  make paper coloured pom poms . Being artistically challenged I am thankful that one of my friends Elizabeth Wanjiku Maina offered to undertake this project with her brilliantly creative sister. She also offered to be the wedding planner and basically help us with our wedding checklist.

Décor check ,check
Meanwhile people from all over the world continued to surprise us with  cash  contributions .One of these angels offered to pay the full amount for the cake, mind you we hadn’t chosen a cake yet it didn’t matter to him (he prefers to remain anonymous ).For whatever price he would pay it and so he did.

Cake ,check !

Catering was paid for too, so were the tents and chairs. George and I were continually amazed by the daily miracles popping up all over the place. This was truly God’s wedding, he was showing up and showing off ,so that everybody would know that it wasn’t by the work of our hands but by the work of HIS hand.

On our wedding day I woke up that morning fully at peace, I had a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I wasn’t worried about anything; all I was focused on was my groom. I couldn’t wait to say my vows and begin our life journey of faith. The whole ceremony was fun, intimate and so stress free. We had decided to think outside the box in terms of timing and had planned the wedding to begin from 3pm -7pm. The photo session was at my parent’s home at 10 am in the morning where there was plenty of green grass and trees, after all isn’t that all one needs for a photo shoot? Yes, I saw my groom before the actual ceremony, and no lightning did not strike us. I don’t believe in bad luck. Those are old wives tales, God was before us, and nothing could come against us!
The day quickly went by as I hang out with my maids laughing and eating and counting the hours until the ceremony. Finally it was time to leave, and just as our wedding party drove away from my parents’ house, it began to rain. I remember looking   at my mother’s worried face and I relaxed and said a prayer. I asked God to hold the rain at least until after the ceremony. And by the time we got to the venue 10 minutes away, it had stopped raining. Why worry when you can pray?
The rest of the day was a blur I tell people all I remember on that day was up to the vows, after that nothing registered. People ate, laughed, the day ended and night fell. Believe it or not the caterer fed over 500 people and went back with left over food. Another answered prayer!
So the wedding was over, and yet another miracle was underway, one item was still pending on our checklist; we had not yet paid for our honeymoon. Thankfully the contributions left by the guests in the envelopes at the gift table was enough to pay our DJ, (shout out to K1 AKA DJ Makmende) and our super Mc Mugambi Nthiga, and do some shopping for our new home AND pay for our honeymoon.

What more can I say? Our God was faithful and we plan to serve him for the rest of our days. And to all our friends and family who were so heavily involved in the planning we will forever be grateful for allowing yourselves to be used of God to make our wedding day come to pass.

Matthew 6:26

Do not worry
25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?…

Thursday, December 5, 2013

To love thyself

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my body. I've always thought I was fat , which in hindsight is  hilarious especially when I look at my photos two years ago .Why you ask?  because back in 2011 I wasn't as chubby as I am now. I can hardly look myself in the mirror because I can barely recognize the body form that stares back at me. I watch my svelte friends who are fitness freaks with envy and wish I had the same discipline and will power that they have .

It looks so easy , all I need to do , sign up to a gymn, pay for membership, change my diet eat healthier ,but I get caught up in a self-inflicted vicious cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that my favourite jeans don’t fit anymore, sorry that I cant seem to find the time to join a gymn or exercise at home, sorry that I cant get up in the morning and go jogging, sorry that I have to constantly hide my bulging tummy (no im not pregnant)  and I eat some more! I hate looking at my photos, when people tell me I look great I don’t believe them! Unfortunately there are more negative comments than positive ones from those around me , you know how it goes;
‘ hi how have you been? Wow you have added so much weight ! marriage has been good huh? ‘

‘Have you joined a gymn”?
 “ Congratulations! Are you pregnant?”
And the winner :  ‘You have grown so fat that your face has swelled up and your eyes can barely be seen’
I can laugh now but before those comments cut me deep like a knife, keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to comment on a friends ‘ weight. You do not know their journey you dont know their pain , be nice J
How did I get here ? Who implanted those thoughts of self-loathing in my mind? Why is it so much easier to put myself down than embrace the new curves and bulges? I pray I win this battle within myself soon , before the day God blesses us with a child and I unknowingly pass on to them the pressure to be thin, the lie that you have to be a certain size to be considered beautiful.  

This is not a pity party , this is me sharing my battle within myself. One day with God’s help I shall be victorious I will begin the journey to fitness and health at the right time  and  I will appreciate and love my body through every season.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Child of Grace

Unreserved favor and grace is my daily potion from my father in heaven
Everyday I wake up with a smile and though sometimes I get weary the darkness is no longer my friend ..his hand reached through the mist , reached down into the dark and dreary pit and lifted me,
He wiped my tears , cleaned my wounds ' drowned my shame fought my wars ..i emerged victorious and refreshed
because I am a child of grace I can show grace
Because I have found true love I can truly love
no longer am I defined by the world
the one who gave his life wiped my slate clean
And everyday he takes my hand and walks with me..
I will sing of his love forever amazing grace how sweet the sound , that saved a wretch like me ! ;D

March 7, 2011